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The Student News Site of Menlo School

The Coat of Arms

The Student News Site of Menlo School

The Coat of Arms

Terrorist attack deterred due to lack of parking

Terrorist+attack+deterred+due+to+lack+of+parking

Menlo was saved from destruction thanks to a heroic effort from a security supervisor. Staff photo by Davis Rich.

By Rylan Pade and Kiki Fann

A group of armed terrorists attempted to attack Menlo School campus early Tuesday morning, but due to the jam-packed parking lot, and their lack of an official student carpool sticker, they were deterred.

The terrorists came on campus locked and loaded, having had first period free on the brisk Tuesday morning, and were looking for a place to park their Humvee. The Humvee was really just like any other car, except bigger, darker, radiation-hardened, and full of terrorists.

But thankfully our ever-vigilant security supervisor of the Menlo School parking facilities, Mustapha Moutri, was there to save the school from eminent destruction. He had already dragged the “Lot is Full” notice into prime position, blocking both lanes into the senior lot, and was not about to back down to a bunch of measly parking violators.

He was just settling back into his cart when the terrorists rammed over the omnipresent “Lot is Full” sign in the senior lot and headed towards an open carpool parking space.

And in an act of heroism exemplifying the best of Menlo School’s values, Moutri deftly outmaneuvered the car, valiantly parking his own cart in the carpool spot to deter the violators who did not themselves possess an official carpool sticker.

“It really wasn’t any big deal. I treated the situation like I would any other violator,” Mouri said.

The terrorists were deterred; for they realized, dismayed like so many Menlo students before them, that there was simply nowhere to park.

They wouldn’t dare park in fire zone in fear of the repercussion of a Menlo School parking ticket and a potential sit-down with the formidable Tom Hitchcock. They couldn’t park in the Mormon lot due to religious complications. Finally, they knew they shouldn’t park on Valparaiso or downtown because their attack included a hostage situation, which would assuredly take more than two hours and result in a hefty fine from the City of Menlo Park.

When asked if the terrorist could have used Menlo’s bus system to coordinate their attack, Director of Sustainability Kevin Connor had no comment.

Thus, dejectedly, the terrorists turned around, drove out past the newly replaced “Lot is Full” sign, and made the turf glow at Sacred Heart Prep down the street.

All contents in this article are purely satirical.

 

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