Q: What should I get my significant other for the holidays?  

Sally:

This is a question I have struggled with as well. With the holiday season coming around the corner, you might be in the market to get your SO a gift. First of all, the type of gift depends on what level you guys are at. If you’ve been dating for two years and get him a pair of socks that might be a little weird, but it’s also just as weird to get something really sentimental or expensive for someone that you haven’t been seeing for long.

Another thing you might be worrying about is if they are getting you something. You don’t want to run into the awkward moment if you get your SO something and they don’t get you anything, or vice versa. The best way to avoid this is to either casually drop hints that you are or are not getting your SO anything, or you can be honest and ask “Hey, are we doing gifts?” Your SO will likely be thankful to have this conversation if it means that you two can be on the same page.

I talked with Steve and we decided that I would make the list for what to get a boy for the holiday gift, and he would make the list for what to get a girl.

Socks – An easy and fun gift. Everyone likes socks, especially if they are fuzzy and have some sort of cute design on them. This is a good addition to a gift if you think the original gift is too small, or a good gift for someone that you haven’t been seeing for a super long time. A good way to let them know that you’re thinking about them, but didn’t want to go overboard with the gifts.

1. Flannel/Jacket – If you want to get him a material thing, a nice article of clothing is a good idea. It doesn’t need to be expensive or from anywhere super nice- even a nice flannel from Target is good!
2. Food – This is a nice way to not have to spend money. It shows that you’re thinking about him and is a nice inexpensive/casual way to share some holiday spirit!
3. An experience gift – I love to give and get these types of gifts. It’s great especially if it is something that you two can do together. This could be anything from concert tickets, a “coupon” for you to treat you two to dinner, etc.
4. Something sentimental – This could be a framed photo of you two, a nice list of all the things you love about him, or anything that comes from your heart.

TL;DR: Get a genuine gift that comes from your heart that you think will make him happy.
Good luck!

Sincerely,
Sally

Steve:

A gift can be the easiest way to show your true love but simultaneously the quickest way to show your indifference, so tread carefully my friends. Just to be clear, I am not a proponent of driving three hundred miles to the nearest Kay (Because every kiss begins there right?) and blowing all of your Chipotle money on some flashy blood diamond that she will probably never wear. Additionally, I also believe that you should steer clear of the kitchy, lastminute.com ballad sung to the tune of Jack Johnson’s Banana Pancakes scrawled on the back of a In N’ Out Burger receipt, the true goal is to find a happy medium that truly reflects the love and affection you have for your SO.

So, now that we have saved many a potential relationship by addressing the two most common blunders that starcrossed lovers make around the Holiday season (no need to thank me, but if you must the only form of currency I accept are chocolate candles and OG Champagne Eyes mixtapes) I will now give you a few suggestions.

FUZZY SOCKS. They are cheap, and depending on the price of crude oil and bear pelts are usually about 800 Russian Rubels for 3 pairs at the General Store. For those that have been deprived of the glorious experience of wearing fuzzy socks, you have probably never wintered in Siberia, or don’t have friends in the Kremlin. So show your comrade the love that they deserve this Holiday and purchase a pair of the finest garments an upstanding citizen of Mother Russia can buy. (When the Russian invasion comes Steve and Sally will be the only Western dating advice column still in circulation, mark my words).

CANDY AND SUCH. This is where you can begin to throw in a bit of variation. Slyly ask your SO what her favorite candies are and then pick out a basket from your local candy store (the fact that Sugar Shack closed and we still have 900 Tibetan rug stores all selling literally the same exact rug is absolutely mind boggling, but I digress). If she says that she loves Smarties or Raisinets or some such codswallup, dump her immediately. For best results arrange these candies in a stylized bouquet of tooth decay and happiness.

OUTDOOR EXPERIENCES. Take her on a picnic. Or a hike. If your SO is an indoor person use your new Virtual Reality glasses that the NY Times gave everyone and simulate a hike. For best results make sure turn down the central heating to 0 degrees Kelvin and douse her with a bucket of rain water to show her that you care.

I hope these helped. They probably didn’t, but honestly I thought Sally’s list was pretty good and you should totally get your SO something from her list. Happy Holidays!!!

TL;DR: The Russian invasion is nye and Steve and Sally plan on remaining in the good graces of the Russian media moguls. To show just how much we care we have bought them the finest hand knitted fuzzy Putin socks Rubels can buy. Happy Holidays, and if you don’t hear from us for a few weeks we have probably been relocated to Siberia for a bit of ‘fresh air and honest toil’!!!

Sincerely,
Steve