Q: How should I ask my significant other to Semi?

Sally:

For a lot of people, whether they will admit it or not, semi season is a stressful time. A lot of people ask someone to go with them as a date, and in order for that to happen someone has to ask. A guy can ask a girl, a girl can ask a guy, a guy can ask a guy, etc. And, keep in mind that you don’t need a date—going with someone as a friend or a group of friends would give you a perfectly fun time. But if you do want to go with a date, we’re here to help. To help you get through this stress, here are a few good and bad ways to ask someone to semi.

Good:

• The classic flowers and poster combo in the quad. You’ll see this happen a lot so it’s clear that it gets the job done. Just don’t be nervous that the whole quad is watching you, it’s an exciting thing for all so just let it happen. Bonus points if you have a pun on your poster
• Scavenger hunt. Have one of your SO’s friend give your SO a clue to go somewhere and find another clue. Don’t make the scavenger hunt too long, and make the clues simple enough that he/she won’t get lost on her way to find you.
• Food. Girls love it, guys love it, it’s great. Maybe go with some chocolate or a smoothie –any type of food and I’m sure they’ll be appreciative.
• Candles. If you’re good friends with your SO you can go to his/her house and spell out “SEMI?” with candles or electric candles.

Bad:

• Something very embarrassing. Don’t go out of your way to embarrass him/her. No embarrassing pics or anything that would make this an unhappy experience
• Text. Don’t just ask him or her over text. Pretty simple, don’t do it.
• Don’t make it clear that he/she is not your first choice of someone to ask. Secondly, don’t ask someone the same way that you tried to ask someone else. For example, if you ask someone with flowers and they say no, don’t use those same flowers to try and ask someone else.
• Don’t just walk up to them and ask them straight up. You can think of something more creative.
• Swooping. Swooping means to swoop in and ask someone who you know is already getting asked by someone else. It’s understandable if you do this accidently but if you know for a fact that one of your friends is asking a specific person, don’t mess up his/her plans by purposely asking that person.

Sincerely,
Sally 

Steve:

Semi asks are a lot like rap battles: horrifically embarrassing when messed up. The words of our glorious leader Eminem basically sum up how all the Menlo guys are currently feeling right now, “his palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There’s vomit on his sweater already: Sodexo spaghetti.” So in order to limit the number of chunky red stains decorating the quad I’ve compiled a list of some of the best, and worst, ways to ask someone to semi.

The top two worst ways to ask her to Semi:

1. Spell the word SEMI in candles on her lawn. Seriously dude have some basic human civility!! That’s how 99.63% of forest fires start. Smokey the Bear would have a nice little Jim Jones Koolaid bath if he knew how you were planning to recklessly abuse open flames without adult supervision. Even though the weather people claim it’s El Nino, in my mind just a Bourgeois capitalist plot innovated by TJ Max in order to get us to buy more raincoats, we still haven’t had enough rain to fully end the drought. Meaning that the risk of fire danger is at an all-time high and I’m sure as Shiitake mushrooms not coming to rescue you and your lover from the fiery inferno that is her front yard.

2. Pull a Steve Harvey. You see the girl that you plan to ask from across the quad, she has brown hair, Uggs and Lulu’s on, frankly she could be anyone. You decide to go for it and just as you tap her on the shoulder and thrust your cringe worth punny poster into her face you realize that she is not who you think she is. You have a split second decision to make, abort the mission mid ask and mimic a particularly vicious wasp attack clearing the general vicinity and generating enough ruckus to divert attention from yourself (I have found that pretending to bite one’s own ear and yelling BEEEEESSSSSS at the top of your lungs generates sufficient pandemonium and is also the reason why I’m not allowed within 45 feet of every Denny’s this side of the Mississippi). On the other hand you could follow through and pretend like she was the one who you were trying to originally ask all along. Make sure to avoid all of your friends who helped plan the ask, I would recommend donning a raccoon pelt and becoming one with the earth until the drama has died down, or until you have lost the capability to function in human society and forage for food in local compost bins.

TL;DR: Keep it classy and don’t overthink it. 

Top two best ways to ask her:

1. Get your friends to Jackson Pollack splatter paint you with the various uncapped paints lying around the art room and wear a sign around your neck that says, “Going to Semi with you would be Priceless.” This perfect ask highlights your impressive knowledge of the asking prices of Jackson Pollack paintings (approx. the GDP of every nation beginning with the letter E) and that you are a cultured man who likes refined things such as elliptical racing and sunsets.

2. Dress up as Mike Tyson and wear a sign around your neck that says, “You’re a knockout, will you go to Semi with me?” This slightly less perfect ask, but perfect nonetheless, highlights your extensive knowledge of professional pugilism and that you are unafraid to put yourself out there by method acting a character role. For the sake of realism I would recommend biting the nearest ear you can possibly find off, presenting it to her as a trophy and riding away on your domesticated tiger drinking HGH from a golden goblet.

I hope these helped, and remember these words from the rapper named after a favorite childhood candy of mine, “look, if you had, one shot or one opportunity to seize everything you ever wanted in one moment would you capture it, or just let if slip? Yo.”

TL;DR: When in doubt body paint yourself, if in serious doubt listen to Lose Yourself. If swooped, cover yourself in Nutella and tell yourself that you’re worth it. Please read Sally’s article, I agree with everything she says.

Sincerely,
Steve