Q: What to do if my semi date thinks it’s more than a date?

Sally: 

This will probably be the last time I write any sort of advice column for the semi formal dance. But, as the dance is coming up this weekend, why not milk it for one more issue? A problem that many of you might be thinking about is worrying what your date thinks about you guys. Does he/she think that this is just a friendly thing, or the start of something more? For the sake of limiting the possibilities, let’s say this is the set up: you think you guys are just friends, but he/she sees it as something more.

First, you’ll need to make sure you have some sort of warranted reason that you think he/she feels this way. A good way to go about getting this information would be to ask a mutual friend. If that friend clues you in that your date sees you as more than just a date, don’t fear. There are a few things you should do.

Mostly, make sure that you don’t freak out. Knowing that he/she is interested in you should only flatter you, even if you’re not interested back. Congratulations, some one sees something in you! However, if the feeling isn’t mutual there is no reason that you need to go absurdly out of your way to make sure that he/she gets the message that you’re not interested.

Just drop sly friend-esque hints, don’t spend the whole night with him/her, and be kind, not flirty. If you know that the feelings aren’t mutual, make sure not to engage in any lip-lock that could give him/her the wrong message. But, don’t be a jerk about it. Don’t go out of your way to talk to other guys or girls in front of him/her. You can be a good date without suggesting that you want to be anything more than friends.

If all else fails, just be honest and tell them how happy you are that you got to go to semi with such a good friend. Key word = friend.

TL;DR: Be kind and friendly, and don’t go further than that.

Sincerely,
Sally

Steve:

Sound the alarms, deploy the parachutes, and bury your head in the nearest available mound of sand: your semi date thinks that you are more than friends! Maybe it’s the Sex Panther cologne you wear, your totally original high sock and Sperry chic or the fact that you know every single dialog scene from Pokemon Diamond; whatever the reason your date digs you and you just aren’t vibin’. I have three suggestions that will ensure that you end up alone tending to your cacti named Geraldine alone in your room at the end of the night.

1. Fake your own kidnapping. Now this requires some planning but ultimately is the most effective course of action when presented with any socially awkward situation. To fully pull off this plan you need a phone and a buddy willing to help you out of a tight situation. Just before the pre-semi party begins send a panicked, incoherent text to your date along the lines of, “they have finally found me, you know that ticket I bought for you, that was paid for by the cash I’ve been skimming from an illegal blood diamond smuggling ring based in Menlo Park unaffiliated. Save yourself, dump the ticket and the boutonniere. THEY’RE HERE. GOODBYE…” After letting her stew for 15 minutes, get your friend to call her. The conversation should be along the lines of, “you will never see him again, he’s ours now. MWHAAHAHAAHAHAH.” And you are in the clear! Return 5 hours after semi looking extremely disheveled (cover yourself in Tobasco sauce for the full effect), and retrieve your phone from your friend. Text all of your relatives, friends and semi date that you are actually Jason Bourne and performed some Putin level badassery resulting in a magnificent escape from the transport plane they had you stowed away in. The perks of this method are that you miss semi, become an international hero, and earn the nickname 007.
2. Become Evel Kneivel. Don a white cape and steal your weird family friend’s minibike, and off you go. Set up a jump out of termite infested plywood, fill the Sharon duckbond with the snapping turtles that Sodexo blends up to create their Irish Stew Sauce (how they managed to produce a fishy Irish Stew is beyond me) and invite all of your friends. Attempt to gap the pond and fail miserably. The ideal outcome would be numerous broken bones, a few bite marks and a severe case of Yellow Fever from the dank moss coating the swampy ooze. Text your date and tell her that you won’t be able to make on account of the fact that for the forseeable future you will be sucking all of your meals through a tube and watching The Jungle Book on repeat. This method has a 100% success rate and can be substituted with extreme base jumping off of Stent, box car racing down 280 or taking Dr. Hanson’s econ class. All three of which are Steve certified to break your bones, hospitalize you and leave you feeling dejected and alone in a cruel, cruel world. But hey, cheer up, at least you don’t have to go to Semi anymore!
3. Talk to her. I am loathe to suggest this as an option because semi decorum only allows for males to lightly touch the shoulders (longer than 2 seconds is a severe breech of Semi misconduct and is punishable by a well-timed throat punch) of their dates during pictures, make poorly timed dinner jokes, spill chocolate fondue on your blazer and talk solely to your buddies about manly things that manly men do. But if your date remains consistently persistent throughout the night, feigning interest in your geode collection or pretending to care about the ironic rhyming poem you wrote about why rhyming poems suck the very second any Snow Patrol song comes on during the dance, dash to her and ask for a quick foxtrot. After prancing around for 2-3 minute, lay her down gently by telling her that she is the best friend that a boy could ask for. This is not mean, a truly mean approach would be to lead her on all night and at the end of the night leave the after-party without even saying goodbye. Don’t be that guy, show some class.

In sum, have fun, stay safe, don’t touch your date, wear a stupid skinny silk tie you found in your creepy German Uncle’s closet and the rest will sort itself out.

Sincerely,

Steve