In this week’s installment of the Steve and Sally relationship column, we tackle the question “How do I forgive someone?”

Sally:

The fact that you’ve asked this question means that you are clearly undecided about your feelings regarding this issue. In my opinion, if you want to forgive someone, it all has to start with you. We’re all human, and we’re not perfect. We make mistakes. However, there’s a fine line between someone accidentally messing up and deliberately hurting you.

First of all, we have to think of the action within the context of the person. Has this person hurt you in a similar manner in the past? Obviously, each situation is different, but if this person has repeatedly hurt you, and you can’t see them changing their behavior, it’s time to move on. One of the hardest things to do is to cut toxic people and relationships out of your life, but I promise that it’ll be worth it in the end. Sometimes you need to be a little selfish and think about your own needs and feelings: does this relationship make you feel good about yourself? Do you feel happy when you’re around them? Can you be yourself around them? If the answer is no, then maybe it’s time to say goodbye.

Once you’ve confronted them, talked it out, and decided to forgive them, you need to let it go. The worst thing that you can do is tell someone that you forgive them, but deep inside not be over it. That situation is tricky and is beneficial for no one. You have to approach this with a clear understanding of how you’re feeling. I recommend to sit and think about this for at least twelve hours. Just kidding. There’s no time requirement — just take as long as you need in order to feel confident in your answer. If they aren’t willing to wait, they aren’t worth it.

TL;DR: Consider all arguments before making a definitive decision. If you do decide to forgive them, move on and don’t hold it over their head.

Sincerely,
Sally

Steve:

Dear forgiver,

Hi, my name is Steve, and I know your situation. I feel your pain. When someone wrongs in a relationship, it makes you feel low, down and unworthy. But, when the going gets tough, the tough get going. If you truly feel for this person despite them wronging you, and you still have feelings for them, then you must forgive.

Forgiveness is a hard thing to do. You are hurting inside, your trust has been broken, your feeling for the person may have also been swayed, and your commitment and faith in the relationship may have been diminished. But, if you want to forgive the person, you must first get the whole story. You need to understand what happened, and everything that happened, right down to the little details. Once you get the truth and the other side of the story from your significant other, you guys will have nothing to hide from each other. At this point, you can start rebuilding trust which will lead to forgiveness.

If it helps, you can try thinking about why you and your significant other got together in the first place. It’ll help you remember what brought you two together and will rebuild the passion and loyalty that is essential in a compatible relationship.

If you combine getting back to the basics and rebuilding trust, you can recover a tanking relationship. It’s also perfectly fine if you find that in the process of learning the truth or getting back to the basics, you never want to see them again. In that case, you can avoid them on the quad. There are other fish on the quad.

Sincerely,
Steve