My boyfriend and I keep getting in fights over small, stupid things. What do I do?

Sally:

This is a pretty common issue, so don’t worry, you’re not alone. Oftentimes small, seemingly trivial arguments can be a reflection of a different problem entirely. Getting mad about something that you wouldn’t usually be upset about could mean you’re just releasing anger actually brought up by a different issue you don’t want to talk about. For example, maybe you saw him getting a little too close to some girl on the quad, so you snap at him while deciding where to go to lunch. Most likely, you’re not actually mad that he chose The Melt over In-N-Out (though we wouldn’t blame you if you were), but you’re actually just releasing anger about the previous issue in an attempt to not bring it up. The next time you find yourself getting mad about something small, ask yourself if this is what you’re really mad about or if you’re bringing up emotions left over from a different issue entirely.

If you find that you really are upset about that small problem, ask yourself if the issue is going to matter a day or even a week in advance. If not, it’s definitely not worth your relationship. If the fighting becomes too frequent, maybe think about how you feel about each other deep down if you really cannot compromise. In a healthy relationship, you should be able to either overlook or come to an agreement on tiny, unimportant disputes. In this case, in which you are frequently unable to do so without creating a bigger issue and it appears that you each care more about being right than being with each other, you should consider if the relationship is really what’s best for both of you.

TL;DR: Try to think about if the small issue is actually what is upsetting you, or if your anger is a reflection of frustration about something else. If you are actually mad, consider if this conflict will matter tomorrow, and if not, move on.

Steve:

The real question is, are you fighting, or are you just challenging each other? If the, shall we say, “confrontations” are small and stupid…then yeah, you’re probably fighting. And that sucks. Your boyfriend is supposed to be the bit of light in the fog of your busy Menlo life, and if you two are fighting, then that can for sure dim that light.

I think step number one is to ask yourself what’s going on. It’s possible that YOU are the problem. Are you taking out some hidden emotions on him? Do you enjoy arguing? Are you just overly sensitive? Before you try to change him, see if you can try changing yourself.

It’s also important to ask yourself, are you just incapable of admitting defeat? I’ve found that the quickest way to diffuse any argument is to just say you are wrong. Even if it isn’t true, is it really worth proving your point if you are slowly eroded your relationship away? Take one for the team every once in awhile, so that you can skip the arguments and get straight to the good stuff (aka Netflix and chill).

If you have a point that really is worth fighting for, or if you’ve tried all of these and they didn’t work, then you need to talk to him. Be totally honest and say you’re upset that you two are fighting so much and that you need to figure out a way to do better. Hopefully, he’ll value your relationship as well, and he’ll try to find a way to make it work.

If all else fails, that’s when you need to start thinking about your relationship. All this fighting will pile up on you mentally, and you should try to find a guy you agree with rather than disagree. This shouldn’t be your first thought, but sometimes you need to put yourself first.

TL;DR: Think about how you can change so you two argue less, and even consider admitting defeat even if you’re right; lose the battle so you can win the war of love. If you’re still fighting, have an honest conversation with him, and maybe even start to think about how successful your relationship really is.

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